One Sentence Scouting Report: Golden Oldies Edition

Apparently, the Jays have signed Vladimir Guerrero to a minor league deal. In honour of this, I've decided to repost my One Sentence Scouting Report from December 23rd:

One Sentence Scouting Report: Vladimir Guerrero

Welcome to the inaugural One Sentence Scouting Report, where I scout Major League Baseball players using only one sentence!

Vladimir Guerrero: He can't walk and he can't walk.

Some Theories as to Why Adam Lind is Still a Blue Jay

• They've discontinued his hat size (XXXXL, unbendable brim, low enough to hide the fact that his hair line is perilously close to his eyebrows)
• Alex Anthopoulos is mesmerized by Lind's dreamy eyes squint
• Adam Lind has stumbled upon some rent control scheme and will be occupying the cleanup spot until he's a feeble old man 
• There's got to be some unknown metric we're ALL missing 
• The air conditioning at Rogers Centre is broken and they need the gusts of wind provided by his numerous strikeouts to keep the stadium cool during the summer
• The Jays have a warehouse full of #Lindsanity T-Shirts that they're hoping one day become relevant (assist to Connor McGuire on this one...)

Feel free to add your own additions to this list in the comment section!

Weekly Standings Check In: Heavily Redacted Edition

In Ultimate Act of Hubrus, Yankee Teammates Triumphantly Carry Hall of Fame Closer Off the Field Before Game Even Starts

Looks like the retirement parade has come to an official start for Mariano...

Jose Bautista's Early Season Dominance

If you examine the stats, I mean relax your focus and stare at the stats until you see the image of a saiboat, you'll see that Jose Bautista is having an utterly dominant season. Just think about it, if baseball is a game of failure, Bautista has truly mastered it. He's failing at all facets of the game, offensively at least. If he could find a way to emulate Eric Thames in the outfield, he'd be a complete player. Well done, Jose!